Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In The West

Benny Hill - Fastest Milk Cart - video powered by Metacafe


The jury is always out whenever the question 'is Benny Hill funny?' is asked. His critics write him off as lewd and creepy. To his fans he was a comic genius, a master of sketch with great clowning and mime thrown in for good measure. And a chart topper. The number one single in the UK pop charts at Christmas 1971 was Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West). Hill , who had once been a milkman himself, wrote the song and first performed it on The Benny Hill Show in 1970. It was released as a single the following year and became a huge favourite that captured the imagination of the masses. It stayed in the charts for 17 weeks. It was in fact the fourth time Hill had made the charts. He had two hits in 1961, first with Gather In The Mushrooms ( 8 weeks highest position 12), then Transistor Radio ( 6 weeks highest position 24). His next hit came in 1963 with Harvest Of Love (8 weeks highest position 20).

Love him or hate him , Benny Hill was one of only a small number of comics who could truly claim world wide popularity. He had his first TV series as early as 1955 and the telly was to prove the perfect medium, especially during his Thames days in the 70's. With much of his humour being visual, it easily crossed international boundaries. And his ability to shock made him a constant talking point. He was a huge hit in America , where TV audiences were used to more conservative material. It is reputed that Charlie Chaplain, who died in 1977 and would therefore have seen most of Benny Hill's best work, was an avid fan.

The innuendo of Ernie is typical Benny Hill and it remains one of the funniest and most successful novelty records of all time.

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,

And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.

And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,

His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,

She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.

They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,

But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.

They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"

And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart.

He said, "D'you want it pasturized? 'Cause pasturized is best,

"She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest.

"That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,

Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.

He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,

And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "Now if you treat me right,

You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night.

"He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.

And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,

And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.

Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)

And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,

He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man.

""Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,

"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side.

"Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,

They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.

But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,

And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Sue ran between them and tried to keep them apart,

And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.

And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,

And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.

Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,

And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.

But a woman's needs are many fold and Sue she married Ted,

But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.

Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.